I always feel so blessed every time I get an email or tweet from someone who reads my website, so thank you for reading my words, the very heartbeat of my heart.
Rejected. Heartbroken. Disappointed. Stressed. Grief-stricken. Worried. Angry. Guilty. Confused. Unworthy. Alone. Drowning in Self-pity.
This has been my emotional state of late- I have been swimming in the pool of these exhausting emotions (and it is dangerous). It’s crazy how when tough times come it seems as if life has never been good.
Maybe I’m the only person who has ever felt like a complete failure in life, but I must confess, these couple of months have been more than I can bare. There, my secret is out. I am coming out of a dark place emotionally that had potential to ruin my life had I not changed my perspective…
Yesterday I read my diary (or journal) from 2007 and I was amazed at how far I’ve come in a short space of time- this gave me a new way of looking at my life…. I have discovered that sometimes you have to remember all that you have overcome because situations in life will cloud your judgment…
5 years ago, I was a typical 20 year old girl from KZN who came to the big city to make her dreams come true. I was excited, I was determined, I was ambitious. More importantly, I had my sister and best friend, Thandeka coming along with me.
Although we knew there would be tough times ahead, I don’t think anything could’ve prepared us for what was about to unfold. We landed in Joburg Park Station and suddenly it hit us- we didn’t have a place of our own, we had no bed, no TV, we came to Joburg with our two suitcases of clothes and big dreams.
We struggled. While we looked for work, we could not afford rent and had to hop from one friend’s place to another. And when we eventually found promising internships, we rented our own place but slept on the floor (in Winter- those who live in Joburg will understand how cold it gets). We couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill, so we didn’t have hot water, we couldn’t cook, we didn’t have a fridge- but guess what- to us, we had moved from being homeless to having a roof over our heads. And isn’t it funny how when you have little, that’s enough for you.
For a year, that’s the life we lived. We ate bread every night, thanked God for each new day and we got on with life without complaining. In spite of it all, I was so convinced that we were going to do great things in this nation. I had big dreams accompanied by a zest for life.
Reading my journal, I remembered why I came here in the first place…
Fast forward to 2012, life is not perfect but I have much to be grateful for- I work for one of the best companies in the world, I do something I love on a daily basis, I have my own skin care range, I am writing a book, I live in my own place (and actually own a bed, LOL), drive my own car, and I’m blessed enough to enjoy all these achievements with my parents, my brothers, and my friends.
Sure, there were many things along the way that didn’t quite go as I’d planned (or thought), I made plenty mistakes, many people left my life, many friendships fell apart, many tears cried but it doesn’t take away the fact that I have come a long way.
So I replaced all those negative adjectives I mentioned earlier with… Smart. Creative. Happy. Strong. Successful. Confident. Capable. Ambitious. Survivor. Crazy. Funny. Loving. Forgiving. Beautiful. Amazing. Woman… Still learning, still growing…
Things may be tough right now but it wasn’t always like this and it won’t always be like this- that’s my perspective, my faith restored. I encourage you too to look how far you’ve come.
As long as the sun comes up in the morning, as long as the stars shine at night, always know, there is still hope.