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Ex-hale

September 12, 2013

Nono The Queen

When you really love someone and they break your heart… I know no greater pain than that. It’s as if you stop living; food loses its taste, colors seem dull, music loses its beat and though the sun shines, it doesn’t feel the same. While on the topic of hearts breaking, a friend of mine went through a tough time trying to get over a man who really hurt her a while ago. After two years of what was a strenuous relationship, they decided to go their separate ways. For a few weeks, she mourned the relationship, she cried, we ate junk food and eventually she came to accept that it was best for them to be apart.
And just when she was starting to laugh again, he came back, begging her to take him back. But for me, the challenge came when she asked me what she should do.

I am a hopeless romantic; I believe in second chances, third and fourth chances. But, I also believe that we need to be good to ourselves and others; and not feed ourselves a lie. I believe that when you trust someone with your heart and they neglect it, bruise it and break it, you should take it back.
While not all relationships (and men) are the same; I’ve learnt (personally) that no matter what your lonely heart is telling you in a moment of vulnerability, it’s critical to remain rational. Sometimes, we are so desperate to be loved and to be needed that we don’t care who wants us, we will even lie in the hands of the person hurting us just so we can convince ourselves that we are loveable. That’s dangerous.
I can promise you that those unresolved problems that caused you to break up in the first place will rise again, once the hormones and excitement settles down and you’re back in your comfort zone. Then what?

I believe that when a relationship falls apart, we should cry, forgive and move on. The decision to break up is not an easy one to make, but once made we need to carry on living and not look back. We need to learn the lessons that that relationship came to teach us and make peace with the fact that while the relationship failed, we came out better not bitter. Take comfort in knowing that while not everything can be fixed; many things can be survived.
I know, some people get back together and make it work, but we need to honest about the reasons why the relationship broke down in the first place. If the person you were in a relationship with neglected you, didn’t make your feelings a priority, didn’t realize your value, then what will change? If someone didn’t know you were “a good thing” when they had you, it is best to keep that door closed. Of course, we don’t all share the same point of view and that’s fine, I respect that.
Bottom line: it should never take a break up for someone to realize what a treasure they had in you. A person who loves you will fight for you and the relationship while the relationship still exists.

So, my friend waited for my advice and I cringed as I asked, “How are you two going to deal with the issues you had? He says he is sorry and I appreciate that, but what is he saying about your future? What is his intention with you and what is he bringing to the table?”
There were no answers.
It’s not that I didn’t want my friend to get back together with her beau, but I wanted her to make the best decision for both of them. As it happens in the movies and in real life, she ignored my advice and they got back together.
They were happy for a few weeks and eventually broke up. Which brings me to the reason why I am writing this, she sent me an email and thanked me for being good to her even when she wasn’t being good to herself. She made my day.

So the lesson was learnt: If there’s no plan of rectifying what went wrong, just forgive and let go. Because “I’m sorry” alone isn’t enough…

Love Always,
Nono Cele
Twitter: @Nono_Cele
Email: nono@nonocele.co.za

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